I don’t always have time to study… but when I do, I don’t.
Some people just need a High-Five, on the face.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
Before you judge me, Make sure that you’re perfect.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Try to say the letter “M” without your lips touching.
I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
I never make the same mistake twice. Three or four times maybe. But never twice.
Weird is a side effect of awesome.
I never make stupid mistakes, only very-very clever ones.
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
I look at people sometimes and think… Really? That’s the sperm that won.
Be what you want to be, not what other wants to see.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Good girls are bad girls, who never get caught.
When in doubt, mumble.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Do what is “Right”, not what is “Easy”.
Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
If you’re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”.
Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Sometimes you just need some space… to fart.
If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident.
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
All girls are my sisters except you.
Hey, I found your Nose; it was in my business again.
If you can’t change a Girl… change the Girl.
I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
At least mosquitoes are attracted to me.
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
I am not lazy, I just rest before I tired.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Think twice before you speak, you’d be able to say something more Insulting.
Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.
She is so fake that she should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face!
The longer the title the less important the job.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
I am not fat, I am just. Easier to see.
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
My girlfriend is like my iPad… I don’t have an iPad.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
The greatest pleasure in Life is doing what people say you can’t do.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
I didn’t change, I just woke up.
All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
I Was Born Cool, Global Warming Made Me Hot.
If girls could read minds… Every second a man would get slapped.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
I never figured out those “cool” handshakes. When I feel one coming on, I just hug instead. BAM! DONE! AND dudes always remember my name.
nstalled a new toilet seat today, so you can imagine what kind of man I am. (Took 10 hours, cut myself twice, cried once.)
Waiting in line at the mall for Black Friday. Just maced myself and blamed the lady in front of me in hopes of making the news.
“YES! For the millionth time, please SAVE these goddamn settings. Jesus, this is why mommy drinks!” he yelled at Google Chrome’s AutoFill.
Come on people lets keep the ‘Christ’ in Santa Claus! #helpfulathiest
“Can’t be a hero if you’re afraid of looking stupid.”
“Blaming others is excusing yourself.”
“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.”
“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
“It’s Monday. I’m alive. I’m breathin. I’m livin. I’m blessed. Life is good.”
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
“Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.”
“If you’re complaining about something for more than three minutes, two minutes ago you should have done something about it.”
It’s important to feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself, nothing negative can touch you.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher
A bad habit is like a nice soft bed; it’s easy to get into and hard to get out of.
Sometimes a situation you think of as “bad” is actually putting you on a path to the best thing that could possibly happen to you.
You cannot take a future or a past breath. The breath is definitively always in the present.
Its important to be comfortable with uncertainty.
Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.
Whatever is worrying you right now, forget about it. Take a deep breath, stay positive and know that things will get better.
Cultivate wisdom and equanimity – not passive resignation – in the face of the full catastrophe of the human condition.
God gave you a heart to love with, not to hate with, God gave you the ability to create Heaven on earth, not Hell.
One way to keep momentum going is to have constantly greater goals.
Stay strong. You never know who you are inspiring.