Latest Funny Facebook Status

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Every Mom On Christmas While You Opening Up That Gift They Wrote They Wasn’t Getting You

Latest funny-fb Status

Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!

The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.

Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction 🙂

If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it’s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

My doctor said he’s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?

I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

Really Bro ??

Feacebook Funny Satatus really

If you guys ever need anything always remember I’m just an unanswered phone call away.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science.

There should be a body shop called Auto Correct.

They say you’re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. It’s been several days now, what should I do?

It’s not that I like watching midget porn, it’s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.

I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?

Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?

I’d publish my autobiography but it’s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Any good ideas on How to defeat isis ? Biden Raises hand* *Besides Raises hand* “Besides assembling the avengers” *Biden Lowers hand*

Facebook Funny Statues white-house vs Isis




Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.

Here’s a thought: Let’s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.

I’m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.

My doctor said he’s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you’ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

I don’t understand why people pay therapists when I’ll tell them what’s wrong with them for free.

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

Math Test Q1. Bob has 36 candy bars. He eat 29. What Does He Have Now ? Ans. Diabetes

Facebook Funny Statues Quation Ans diabetes

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Tired of those Political Ads on television?…… You may be entitled to compensation.

It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone…Be that person.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,”,,,, but enough about me.

A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?

If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

Couldn’t find this little girl’s parents so i trapped her dinosaurs so she wouldn’t run off while i found them.

Facebook Funny Status coudnt-find

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don’t have to rub it in..

Daylight savings time feels like a tax refund check. You’re just getting back something you didn’t want taken from you in the first place.

Do birds get mad when other birds take a crap in the bird bath? “Dude what are you doing! That is NOT okay! There’s a car RIGHT THERE!”

Some people’s lives are like open books… Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.




Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can’t spell.

This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. “Nobody like’s your idea”

You know you’re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.

When you are home alone taking a shower and you hear a noise

Facebook Funny Status when-you-are

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”

Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.

I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”

I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we’re like “that’s a soup ladle”.

Don’t tell us about that crappy song that’s stuck in your head because that means it’s stuck in our heads now too, you monster.

I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an “unsend my drunk text” option.

Occasionally I email an ex “GET TESTED!” They get all mad, but the LSAT deadline is coming up.

I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

That movement you realize …. It’s going to be difficult to explain why you’re late for work.

Facebook Status Movement that-movement

Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as “girlfriends” its normal but when i call my male friends “boyfriends” i lose my friends?

When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.

I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?

Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.

I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.

Ninja Exit Only …

Facebook Funny Status ninja-exit-only

I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me ‘Will you be putting it up yourself?’ I told him, ‘No, you sicko, it’s going in the living room!’

Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

“It’s not a pyramid scheme” is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes

I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

! Warning ! To Avoid Injury Don’t Tell Me How To Do My Job

Facebook Funny Status warning

I’ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

Is it considered drinking alone if you’re on Facebook?

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don’t talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

I don’t think I drink too much, but last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it!

Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn’t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

I’m confused by this “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.

My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

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