Latest Funny Twitter Tweets

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Middle school picture Be like

Latest Funny Twitter Tweets middle-school

If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

When people said they sleep like a baby, it’s because they do not have one.

They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.

Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

I found my wife through online dating. So, she’s definitely got some explaining to do!

It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most

Starbucks isn’t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria’s Secret charges per cup.

I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we’re like “that’s a soup ladle”.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow” …

He died fighting

Latest Funny Twitter Tweets he-died-fighting

Excuse me, but this is not the life I ORDERED!

You were born an original, don’t die a copy.

Apparently, Justin Bieber has got a new song called “If I Were A Boy”!

That awkward moment when you drop your Easter egg and Lady Gaga falls out.

If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it’s one of two things: either a new girl, or a new car!

The first status im gonna post on facebook in 2013 is : anybody alive out there?

Believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

All of my passwords are “incorrect” so my computer always tells me if I forget.

How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.

Going to spank me ? Good Luck

Latest Twitter Tweets going-to-spank-me

I wish our lives came with a remote control. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast 4ward the bad times. Rewind the good memories.

Wouldn’t it be good if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people!

Save the Earth…It’s the only planet that has chocolate!

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.

Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.

My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.

OK. Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?

Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet

And this is why road works takes months to complete

Latest Twitter Tweets this-is-why

If you’re good looking and you know it click the ‘LIKE’ button.

Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you’re gonna be late?

I was getting mugged and I kept saying Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping. Apparently he never watched Dora the Explorer.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

A friend asked me: “What does ‘I.d.k’ mean?” I answered: “I don’t know”; he said: “Wow, that’s weird, no one seems to know it.”

I’d share my Netflix login but I’m too embarrassed by “My List”.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighborhood.

Latest Funny Twitter Tweets a-squerrle-got

Life is too short to hold your farts in.

Let’s eat out grandma. Let’s eat out, grandma. Punctuation saves lives, learn to use it people. It also helps avoid confusion. πŸ™‚

I had four E’s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!

β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ everything β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ is β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ fine β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ trust. β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ your β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ government β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ β–ˆ

Some legends say we must sacrifice Justin Bieber to appease the volcano.

Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.” – me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me…

When the husband makes a big deal because he did the dishes .. Once ..

Funny Twitter Tweets when-the-husband

Dear Mother Nature, we are not Ice Cream or other frozen food. We do NOT need to be kept at dis temp for long periods of time. PLEASE STOP!

Like this status and I will 1. Do nothing 2. Do nothing 3. Yawn and do nothing.

Tip of the Day: Trying to lose weight? Play Poker! You lose thousands of pounds!

The boss keeps talking about a company 401k. I don’t think I can run that far..

I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club.

My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.

My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.

Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?

When you hit your sibling too hard and frantically apologize before your mom sees

Latest Funny Twitter Tweets when-you

To DO: β˜‘ Get groceries, β˜‘ Lay around, β˜‘ Eat stuff, β˜‘ Be Awesome.

If you’re going to be 2 faced at least make one pretty.

is now available with a bonus DVD; containing deleted scenes and 2 theatrical trailers!

If you are brave to say “good bye”, life will reward you with a new “hello” (“,).

I think I’ve finally gotten the hang of this whole “Posting without thinking” thing that everybody is doing.

If dogs had facebook, I wonder if they would have our picture as their profile pic?

If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.

Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

When your mom uses the entire set of mixing bowls to cut your hair

Latest Funny Twitter Tweets when-your-mom

It’s so cold outside, even the gangsters are pulling their pants up!

Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you’re gonna be late?

Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it’s always collecting dust.

be smart, pretend to be stupid!

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.

A real man is defined by the content of his character!

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!

Every new Mcdonalds creates 40 jobs: 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

If life was a fairytale you’d be my Prince Charming! But I’m not Alice and this is not wonderland!

And here we see .. A wild bus drinking water from a river

Latest Funny Twitter Tweets and-here-we-see

The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. That’s why so many people appear bright until they speak!

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

How can you annoy Edward Cullen?……..Buy him a dog and name it Jacob.

Love is not finding the perfect person, it’s about finding the most imperfect person and believing they are perfect.

“In case of fire, do not use elevator.” Duhhh, you use water, not elevators!

I’m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

I’ve spotted six PokΓ©mon today but I don’t have the game so I may need new meds…

Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.

Funny Latest Twitter Tweet today-was-creazy

A man asked a fairy to make him desirable and irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.

Dear Facebook, Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

My neighbors love my music so much they invited the police over to listen.

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?

I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.

I can hear music coming from my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.


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